Self-compassion: The Art Of Being Kind To Yourself
We are generally very critical and harsh when it comes to evaluating ourselves. Especially when we think we have a fault or a lack. We often mistreat ourselves in a ruthless way when we make a mistake, believing that this is the way to improvement.
What is certain is that we do not succeed in the end. There is an alternative to this abusive self-criticism to grow taller: self-compassion.
It is about directing yourself with kindness, recognizing the aspects common to the rest of the people but also accepting your own limits.
According to the American psychologist Cristin Neff, one of the most recognized researchers in this field, self-compassion encompasses three fundamental aspects :
- kindness to oneself,
- the recognition of humanity,
- and mindfulness.
Let’s see what each one consists of.
Self-compassion: kindness to oneself
Feeling love for ourselves not only changes our mind but also our body.
When we calm our pain, we appeal to the mammalian attachment system. One of the most important functions of this system is the secretion of oxytocin. The latter is a hormone that increases our feeling of confidence as well as the sensations of:
- peace,
- security,
- generosity,
- connection.
It also promotes the ability to feel love and compassion for oneself.
Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication , emphasizes the importance of using empathetic, non-judgmental language when speaking with ourselves. In a way, this is associated with treating us well. Indeed, Rosenberg indicates not to have recourse to criticism and to adopt an understanding attitude.
Recognize humanity in common
The feeling of compassion comes from the realization that the human experience is imperfect. Self-compassion recognizes that human beings make mistakes.
When we come into contact with our common humanity, we remember that suffering is shared. We all suffer or feel pain at some point in our lives.
Showing self-compassion does not mean feeling sorry for yourself. Self-compassion makes us understand the situation better, in a kind way. It inspires us to find better solutions for our personal improvement.
Tara Brach explains that: “Feeling that you have no merit goes hand in hand with feeling marginalized from others and from life. If we are imperfect, how can we feel included? It feels like a vicious cycle, the more useless we feel, the more marginalized and vulnerable we feel. ”
Feelings of connection with others, such as those of kindness, activate the brain’s attachment system. People who feel connected to others often don’t fear adverse circumstances as much. They respond more flexibly to the challenges of life.
Cultivate mindfulness
The third key element in practicing self-compassion is mindfulness . Living in the present, in a state of acceptance and without judgments, allows us to have a clearer vision of our suffering.
Practicing mindfulness helps us to know how we feel and to identify emotions and thoughts as they are, without them being the determining factor for us.
It is about observing what is happening in our field of consciousness in the here and now. This will allow us to identify that thoughts about the past and the future are just thoughts.
In addition, mindfulness also gives us tools to respond to different situations in our life from a calm and relaxed state. Thanks to this, we will not overreact, thus avoiding consequences that we might regret later.
As we have discussed, showing self-compassion is a constant exercise of kindness and kindness to oneself. This should not be limited to one point in time, but on the contrary should be an attitude to be cultivated throughout our life.
Our thoughts Kindness, with all that it implies of compassion, sympathy, and empathy, leads to greater well-being.
