Systematically Consulting Children Is Not Democracy, It Is Bad Education

The way children are educated has changed enormously in recent decades. The structure of the family has also changed a lot. From a model that some called “furniture children”, we have moved on to a model in which children are at the center of the universe for their parents.

The extended family gradually disappeared. Today, many families have only one child, and many children also have only one parent. This is why the child has become the absolute center of attention for those responsible for his education. This did not happen before, when the interest had to be distributed among several children and other members of the family, such as uncles, aunts, grandparents, who also had a great influence on the education of the little ones. .

“If you want your children to have their feet on the ground, put responsibilities on their shoulders”

-Abigail Van Buren-

This new model is especially specific to the middle and upper classes. And that adds a very disturbing element . Children also become a symbol of “social status” for their parents. These are their “big investment” in the future. There is competition between the most beautiful, the most multilingual, the most resourceful children. Ultimately, the one with the most positive adjectives.

Excessive attention to children

The new model of education seeks to produce more or less perfect children. It is characterized by maintaining constant supervision over those what they do on a daily basis. But not only. There is also total supervision over their future. Parents “design” a promising future for them as soon as they start walking.

In order for their expectations to be realized, it is common for parents to be so attentive to the single objective, and that they make sure to remove all the obstacles that get in the way of their child. Getting into difficulties does not fit into this pattern and even less not getting help from your parents, who do everything exactly as it should.

On the other hand, parents have become much less confident. They are afraid of the exercise of authority which they must demonstrate. They behave like “coaches” of their children, not like parents. They project their own desires and goals onto their children, and they are afraid to come into conflict with them. They fear that some of their actions will affect them too much and think twice about setting limits.

Today’s children

Education based on these assumptions does not seem to give the expected results. It seems to generate children who are unsure of themselves to face difficulties and deficiencies. They don’t know what to do when they stop being the center of the universe. At the same time, they find it hard to understand that in order to get something, you have to do a little more than demand.

Children who grow up inside this model feel that they are better than others. However, at the same time, this perception vanishes from one moment to the next and passes to the other extreme with disconcerting ease. All of their “self-esteem” disappears when they find themselves in a situation where others are not applauding what they are doing.

These children are good candidates for the addiction game. If they are faced with a difficulty, they will surely call their parents instead of solving the problem on their own. Adults, they will think that a sign of love from their spouse means that they will support all their ideas, without any critical opinion. Deep down, whatever languages ​​or fields they master, they will feel like emotionally defenseless children.

Consult children’s opinions for everything

This new style of education causes great problems of authority. The idea that the child is a “miniature adult” is very harmful. Some parents think that if they consult their children’s opinion for everything, they will increase their autonomy, while the effect obtained is totally the opposite. A 5 or 10 year old has no idea what is best for him. And obedience is precisely what allows him to develop his autonomy.

The limits that parents impose are not a way of restricting the freedom or development of their children. They are the referents who allow them to feel that the world is a safe place: they mark a perimeter of action that they can explore freely and without fear. In addition, they will learn that reality takes place within an already established framework and that it is not the child who decides how the world should work. On the contrary.

The family is an institution with asymmetric relationships. Its main function is to support the individual in his process of insertion into a culture, and to enter into the logic of a culture, it is essential to give up certain impossible desires. The desire to never lose, for example. The desire for everyone to bend to our whims, too. And many others, which come from the nature of the human being.

And the kids who try to change their world in their own way will do it later. As long as they are young, they have to respond to the demands and surroundings imposed on them by their parents. Contrary to what many unsure parents think, setting limits is the best way to invest in a great future for your child.

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