What Defines You Is Not What You Have, But What You Are

When someone defines himself, he often begins with: “I am…”. I am a psychologist, a cook, a tender, complaining person …

But this is not true, no one is nothing – in essence – more than another. Whoever defines himself in this way forgets many other aspects of himself.

No one is totally a psychologist, nor a totally cook, tender or complaining. These are only special characteristics that develop from time to time in our life, but which should not define us.

It is much more correct to state that “Sometimes I practice psychology, others prepare a good meal, that I can be tender and from time to time I behave like a moaner”

Thus, we do not present ourselves in a global way but as if this part of us that we are talking about constitutes our complete self, when in reality they are only parts of our person, which is much more complex.

Dr. Albert Ellis, father of rational emotional therapy, teaches us that it is better to use the verb “to have” rather than the verb “to be”, which makes it possible to evaluate particular behaviors or concrete actions of. people, but not the whole person.

Who can feel so bad about themselves? Obviously, one who values ​​himself globally will have a much lower self-esteem than people who are aware that a particular attitude, quality, or possession does not define them as a human being.

What defines you?

The unconditional acceptance Ellis speaks of assumes that human beings do not fall into the trap of defining themselves based on outward, superfluous, or perishable characteristics, such as physique, reputation, success, money, or status.

Conversely, people must learn to accept themselves outside of it all and to love each other unconditionally for the simple fact of being human.

According to Ellis, all human beings have the same value, regardless of our qualities and our faults so it is impossible to calculate a person’s worth.

There is no rule to measure it, although unfortunately, in our culture, it is said that a person is worth more or less according to certain traits or qualities.

This only leads us to absurd comparisons with others, and to drop our self-esteem according to what we should or should not have …

We could list so many pathologies related to this unconditional acceptance.

Imagine the case of someone comparing themselves with someone else because the latter has achieved higher professional success.

This person places such a great importance on professional success that it defines them completely, even though it is only a small part of their life.

If we search well, we will surely find thoughts like “I am worth nothing”, “I will never get anything”, “I am incapable because I have not become someone in life” etc.

This person will feel very unhappy, will surely throw in the towel, stop struggling for what he loves, and only keep his low self-esteem alive.

This would not have happened if she had accepted unconditionally, that is to say, if her thoughts had been more rational – not necessarily positive -: “I did not succeed in this but I have others. important things in my life ”,“ It is not because someone is more successful than me that I am incapable ”,“ My worth as a person does not depend on my professional successes ”…

You will rate others the way you rate yourself

To achieve good unconditional acceptance of oneself, one must also accept others unconditionally.

The key is not to put too much value on or take it away from whoever is next to us. 

Even if it is someone not very gracious, very intelligent, very famous or a homeless person around the corner. They all have the same value.

This is a very important point, because it allows our relations to improve enormously.

If we don’t judge so much, if we don’t evaluate others for what they do, neither will we be judging ourselves and we will free ourselves from these enormous pressures that sometimes sink us.

Here are some strategies you can put in place: not be so demanding and not want to change the other, forgive and understand that we are all wrong sometimes, do not judge others from a global or even a particular point of view and to love people because they are quite simply human beings, like us.

These techniques will impact positively on you as you will create the habit of unconditional acceptance and you will not be so demanding with others, with yourself, and with life in general, which will generate healthier emotions.

And remember that what defines you is who you are, not what you have …