Collusive Games In The Couple
It is often said about couple relationships that “we find something to suit our needs”. This adage, which applies to the choice of mate, usually obeys unconscious patterns. These patterns often arise from the emotional relationship that was developed with parents during childhood. Thus, dysfunctional relationships between parents and children can harm the relationships of future adults in their future. It can even lead to what is called collusive games in their future relationship.
The concept of collusion
The concept of collusion is first defined in the studies of Austrian psychologist Paul Watzlawick. He used this concept in his theory of human communication. Later, psychotherapist Henry Dicks introduced the concept of collusion in marital relationships in his work called Marital Tensions .
However, it was the Swiss psychiatrist and psychotherapist Jurg Willi who popularized the term collusion, or collusive games in couples. This term therefore designates involuntary and dysfunctional behaviors between the members of a couple.
These behaviors are manifested in marital conflicts. In addition, these toxic and unconscious dynamics unite in itself the two members of the relationship.
According to Jurg Willi, collusive behavior forms a “common unconscious” in the couple’s relationship, in which the conflict is constantly repeated in a succession of estrangements or reconciliations.
Partners cannot cope with separation, but neither can they cope with intimacy. This causes a feeling of suffocation when they are close. But when they move away, they start to suffer from the distance.
The couple moves from an “individual I” to a “hermetic we” in which individual boundaries overlap. The result is discomfort in the couple. Thus, we can no longer speak of individual pathology, but rather of the existence of a pathology of the relationship.
Collusive polarity in the couple
In collusive dyadic dynamics, each member of the relationship manifests a polarized role. That is to say that each member of the couple recreates a function of behavioral division active / passive, submission / dominance, dependence / independence. Thus, tacitly, the activity of one member of the couple causes the inactivity of the other.
The weak member tends to have a regressive and immature attitude. The more active member represents a progressive role or a false maturity, because he always adopts the role of the adult over the other. The couple, in a state of connivance, enter a vicious defensive circle.
The origin of collusive games in the couple
The origin of collusive dating usually stems from repressed, similar and unhealed emotional wounds from childhood. Each of the partners needs the other for a mutual healing of the frustrations and unfulfilled desires of childhood.
Each spouse expects the other to save them from their own inner conflict and free them from their past fears. He also hopes he can heal the existing wounds of any unsatisfying romantic or parenting relationships.
In the attempt to heal the emotional wounds of each partner, they return to the same ineffective patterns. In addition, they face the same difficulties in solving their individual and marital problems. So it leads to pain, disillusionment and the projection of their own fears and guilt onto the other.
In this situation, typical phrases like “I am like this because you…” are often used as a reproach towards the other. The paradox of this relationship is that neither member of the couple really wants to change anything about them. This further accentuates the gravity of the situation.
The way out of collusive games in the couple
Collusive games in the couple are a trap that maintains toxic mechanisms of guilt, reproach and insecurity. Indeed, in this case, the couple rarely finds a way out on their own.
Thus, in such a marital crisis, one can either remain in an unhealthy relationship in a collusive manner, or else no longer participate in this game and end up breaking the relationship.
In other cases, it is also possible to see a specialized psychologist who can guide the members of the relationship to a solution depending on the level of deterioration the couple has suffered.
However, love can only be built when partners let go of their expectations and begin to recognize each other as equals.
Take responsibility for your own injuries
Creating unmet expectations and not taking responsibility for your own injuries is frustrating. Indeed, this propels the couple into a sickly chaos capable of destroying the self-esteem of each of the spouses.
We must keep in mind that the couple is the place of the expression of love in which we can also learn to fall and get up. We can also learn to develop all the human potential that we have within us, always with respect and responsibility for each person.
It is often believed that the success of a couple is due to the fact that they have to last “a long time”. However, the secret could be quite different. For example, a couple’s success would be to last “as long as the couple has a healthy relationship”.
Our thoughts A couple conflict can arise at any time, and this is quite normal. However, you have to know how to manage it and draw the necessary consequences.
