Commitment To Relationships
Affective relationships are often an important aspect of our life, whether they are family, friends or love. We sometimes regard these as the most fundamental to our well-being. These relationships are characterized by a union based on love. But, what is love, really?
Much has been written about the fundamentals of love. We generally distinguish three : passion, trust and commitment. All of them are important for maintaining a good relationship. So its creation and maintenance must be one of the priorities of all those who wish to live as a couple.
In this article, we will reflect on engagement in relationships. This is the most controversial of the three components of love. Engagement is generally seen as a good thing. But, to what extent is this true?
Before considering whether engaging in relationships is beneficial or not, we must first learn to distinguish this from the other two components of love. Let’s dig deeper.
What is engagement?
Commitment is the willingness of the people who make up a relationship to stay together. All relationships require some degree of commitment. There are, however, many differences. The commitment to a parent, friend or spouse will obviously not be the same. We will generally require more commitment in a relationship than in a friendship.
In other words, engagement is a kind of social contract that both parties agree to. Saying we are “friends”, “engaged” or “spouses” is what would seal the said contract. The problem is that the terms of this contract are usually not explicitly stated by both parties. The characteristics of the said contract are often defined by what the company considers that both parties must respect.
The main goal of engaging in relationships is to maintain some security and control over them. We can maintain a series of expectations about the behavior of the other party in the relationship when this social contract exists. This will help us to anticipate situations that may arise. And to act accordingly.
At the level of evolutionary adaptation, maintaining control and security in relationships would help in many aspects of existence. For example, in the case of couples, a relationship based on commitment would help raise children. Indeed, children are born completely helpless and need the constant care of their parents. When, at certain earlier times in human history, the burden of the baby did not fall on two adults, the chances of survival of the latter were very limited.
Commitment to current relationships
How does this facet of couple relationships translate today? We generally consider that having a commitment involves several things:
- Don’t be unfaithful. Infidelity is often a compelling reason to end a relationship.
- Intend to maintain the relationship in the future. If one of the people thought of breaking up with the other, we would consider that the couple has no commitment.
Is this something good or bad?
We will find that many relationships are characterized by some toxicity if we look around closely. One possible explanation is that commitment to relationships can be at the heart of most problems . In theory, this could be due to three factors inherent in engagement:
- The implicit social contract
- The expectations that this implies
- The control over others
Let’s see each of them.
The social contract
We refer, when we speak of an implicit social contract, to the non-explicit conditions which we consider to be fulfilled in a couple. People in a relationship are usually not clear on what they want from each other. Rather, they start the relationship by having a series of ideas of how each one should “behave”.
So that everyone has a different interpretation of what commitment implies in relationships. So while one party has an idea of the couple, the other may think in a totally different way. It is therefore easy for conflicts to arise due to an initial misunderstanding.
Social expectations
Another fundamental aspect closely related to the previous one is the emergence of social expectations. Having a commitment to another person leads us to have a series of ideas about how they should behave in order to please us. The problem arises when someone does not meet our expectations. So that we feel cheated.
Both sides of a relationship will usually try to meet each other’s expectations. However, this can be achieved at the expense of our own needs. This way of acting will tend to trigger a feeling of alienation from the other and, ultimately, not to feel free.
Need for control
Finally, engagement in relationships can generate a certain need for control over others. This would happen when we seek to be sure of our partner. The problem is, control can generate emotional dependence, so that the other person feels suffocated and alienated.
Let us not forget that autonomy is a vital necessity of the human being. We cannot expect others to act on our standards. A relationship based on the subordination of one over the other completely breaks with this feeling of freedom. This will only cause discontent and unhappiness for both members of the couple.
Conclusion
Commitment is never more than a simple agreement between the parts that make up a relationship. It does should not become a central aspect of the relationship even if it is an important aspect. In the extreme, it can do more harm than good.
Most engagement issues, however, resolve themselves if we are able to explain what we expect from the other person. It is also necessary to learn to let our spouse free. These two skills are fundamental to having a relationship that makes us happy.
Our thoughts According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 different languages for expressing the love you feel for them to others. Find out in this article!
