Dear “me “, Let’s Stop Fighting For Someone Who Doesn’t Love Us

Dear “me”, let’s stop fighting for someone who doesn’t love us. Let’s move forward in life so as not to hurt ourselves more because of a love that has too many contraindications. Let us put dignity in our hearts and tear out the root of this emotional dictatorship to courageously affirm “I am leaving you because I love myself”.

We know it is not easy. We are aware that in our brain, there is no reset button , emergency exit or window to open for the cool breeze to oxygenate the cell of our sorrows. The brain is stubborn, methodical and persistent. It is an entity that struggles and clings to maintain emotional memories because it is they, ultimately, who give an imprint to our identity.

They say that loving without being loved is like trying to light a candle with an unlit match. And it’s true that we don’t quite know why we do it, why we insist on worshiping someone who doesn’t love us. We persist and resist using cognitive biases such as “if I say this, maybe”, “if I change, it’s possible that”  as if we were going to cause something new.

But love is not a distributor. It is not enough to put on a coin and press the button to get what we have been waiting for. Sometimes there is no other remedy than to pass your turn: kill false hopes and stop dying slowly for someone who has taken other paths and chosen other companies.

The shadow of who doesn’t love you refuses to disappear from your brain

Let us ask ourselves why this is so. Why is it so complex to turn the page and act with more integrity when we realize that we are not loved. The answer lies, of course, in this inextricable and fascinating world of neurology. To better understand it, let’s take an example.

We have had the feeling that everything is going well for several days. That we overcome this rupture. Yet one mundane afternoon, we meet someone who wears the same scent as our ex. And almost without knowing how, the suffering invades us again to the point of paralyzing us, and takes us adrift to tears.

Antoine Bechara is a famous neurobiologist from the University of California who defined what is called “brain conflict”. When a person is rejected, their brain is always tied to specific stimuli, images and memories. The neural network responsible for this intimate but powerful link is found in two very concrete areas: between the hippocampus and the amygdala.

Let us not forget that these structures govern and orchestrate all this memory intimately linked to emotions. Thus, each experience lived with this special person is engraved and is “hooked” to determined stimuli, which act as automatic and / or evocative triggers of the memory.

Hence the fact that smelling a perfume, seeing a certain type of clothing, a photo or being in a restaurant where we have memories makes our neurotransmitters activate to the point of transforming us into genuine “addicts” to this impossible love. 

It is not so easy to break this link in question, nor to calm this brain conflict.

Dear “me”, open your eyes and heal your heart

The anatomy of rejection and abandonment is disembodied, deep and complex. We already know that our reluctance to turn the page is not always voluntary, that our brain also feeds, in its vicious and biochemical circle, this condemnation.

For their part, neurologists explain to us that the “time factor” ends up reducing the activity of these memories linked to this relationship. The cerebral connections that promote these famous negative emotions gradually lose their power, until they transform into the echo of a sad and distant melody, which we will not end up evoking with much less suffering.

The passage of time will allow us to move forward more calmly, as long as we apply psychological strategies with which we stop feeding this cult dedicated to the one who does not love us. We will now explain what strategies might help you. 

Some keys to overcome emotional rejection

“Dear me, if we don’t love you, remember to love yourself, beyond everything”. This is undoubtedly the main premise that we should integrate. However, it is clear that no one has taught us to give up or lose, hence the fact that it costs us so much to break these kinds of ties.

• Understand that to love is not to sacrifice. So the “ if I do that, maybe he or she will like me more” or the “if I change this or that, he or she will like me more” are worthless. Don’t do this, don’t promote emotional suicides, humiliate yourself, don’t put gasoline in the one thing that gives you strength: your self-esteem.

• If someone hurts you, it’s because they don’t love you. It’s as simple as that. If you are that invisible being in the carousel of infidelities, selfishness, and nasty words, walk away. What good is it to be the victim of this piece of emotional torture in which you have made yourself a prisoner? Escape, and you will find that freedom is the best balm and solitude a pleasant refuge.

• In impossible loves, the first thing you must get rid of is hope. There are relationships that are born with an expiration date. And if you are fully aware that nothing you wish will ever come true, go through the front door. With dignity, head held high and heart whole.

Loving who doesn’t love us is extremely painful, but it is even more painful when you stop loving yourself for someone who doesn’t even deserve it. Act with integrity and wisdom, always knowing that we should love only those worthy of being loved.