Hypervigilance In A Relationship
Are you acting like a detective in your relationship? Are you looking for clues or signals that indicate changes or just to check that all is well? Are your partner’s behaviors constantly under your supervision? In relationships, these types of behaviors known as hypervigilance can sometimes develop. In the long run, they drift into arguments and conflicts. The other person feels that they do not have the space they need.
The big problem with hypervigilance in a couple relationship is that it gradually distorts reality. In other words, we start with small clues or occasional doubts. Until questioning almost all the movements, gestures and words of the other. The hyper-vigilant person finds signals that do not really exist because they misinterpret the other’s intentions.
Hyervigilance, or the anxiety of always being alert
Psychologist Tyan Dayton describes hypervigilance in a relationship as a state of stress and anxiety that appears in certain situations that suggest trauma. But we are going to deal with this subject in a broader way.
One hypothesis says that if hypervigilance was already present in our parents’ relationship, it is likely that we would develop this type of behavior in our relationships. In a way, we have imbibed it since our childhood and we have learned it. However, there may be other reasons.
For example, if we have been the victim of infidelity in another relationship and it has had a very strong emotional impact on ourselves, we may be using hypervigilance as a strategy to ensure that this happens. do not do it again. The problem is that this type of behavior ends up creating states of anxiety. It also germinates the seed of lack of trust in the relationship.
On the other hand, it is possible that if we are not loyal to our spouse, we end up projecting insecurity and fear on them. He will therefore probably end up developing hypervigilant behaviors at some point.
Hypervigilance, or the misinterpretation of signals
One of the main characteristics that indicates the presence of hypervigilance in the couple is the misinterpretation of the behaviors of the other. This may be due to the fact that we are comparing certain signals (gestures or words) to others that we have perceived in the past. This normally results from the anxiety, stress or fear we feel.
Let’s take an example: when our spouse is quieter than usual or receives a lot of messages on his phone. If we have been unfaithful in the past or if our ex was very quiet in various situations before breaking up, our mind may be activating the wake-up call and, therefore, the mechanism of the relationship. ‘hypervigilance.
This is how irrational thoughts start to appear. For example: “if he / she is silent, something is going on”, “he / she receives a lot of messages, something is surely going on with someone else” or “I no longer interests him because he / she hardly speaks to me ”.
How to ban this type of behavior
All of these thoughts increase mistrust and can even lead us to get angry. As a result, the couple’s relationship deteriorates. Especially if we don’t talk about what is happening to us with the other person and draw our own conclusions. It is important to recognize that we suffer from hypervigilance to seek professional help.
Changing our conception of relationships and, more concretely, of our relationship as a couple, resolving past traumas and learning strategies to manage our emotions will be essential to ban this type of behavior.
It is important to mention that hypervigilance in the relationship of a couple sometimes seems “normalized”. This is why it is so difficult to identify him. However, sensing the harm inflicted on us by this attitude of constant alerting and looking for signals that we would not prefer to find will allow us to take action to begin to resolve this situation.
Relationships must be experienced to the full. C. ach of us has the responsibility to work on his traumas and emotional pain to build healthy relationships.
Our thoughts The couple relationship is a bond that must be cultivated and worked on every day. However, it can involve destructive behavior …
