Shame, The Emotion That Does Not Let Us Exist
“What will they think of me if I really tell them how I feel?”, “I hope they don’t question me, I don’t want to have to answer in front of everyone” or “I am unable to speak in public because I am getting too nervous ”are very common expressions among those who have a very special companion in life: a companion who goes by the name of“ shame ”.
Avoiding being noticed, avoiding moments when you can attract attention or refuse invitations are mechanisms developed by this emotion. Shame wants us to become invisible. For this, she is able to set in motion a thousand and one strategies. What is behind this emotion? Where is she from? Let’s dig deeper.
The obstacle of shame
Shame is the enemy of visibility, of presence. It is a difficult emotion that appears to hide what we are: fear and insecurity have indeed signaled to him that we are going to feel bad.
According to the doctor of psychology Maria José Pubill, the person who feels ashamed is afraid that others will discover his weaknesses. However, her weaknesses, in this case, are nothing other than being herself.
The origin of this emotion is normally found in experiences in which the person felt that they were not acting as they should and that their behavior was not normal. Thus, she has been so marked by uselessness and disability that she avoids at all costs being imperfect or that others see her that way. Her fear is so great that sometimes the blockage arises as a defense mechanism to protect her. The person gets into a state of deep frustration because they fail to become the person they would like to be.
Being ashamed involves, on the one hand, feeling emotions like guilt and fear and, on the other, mechanisms like perfection and control to overcome feelings of inadequacy. The problem is that instead of helping, they assume just the opposite: hindering the time to grow and evolve.
However, if we dig into the subject a bit, we realize that shame implies a lack of respect and tolerance towards oneself. Ultimately, low self-esteem.
Shame and Self-Esteem: What’s the Connection?
Shame is a fear of being, of showing yourself as you are. We choose to be invisible to avoid being the object of criticism and being declared invalid. Therefore, feeling this emotion assumes a lack of respect and tolerance towards oneself, as well as a low self-esteem that results from being relegated to the background.
Shame envelops the person in a negative filter, a filter of contempt from which they perceive themselves as fragile and weak. This perception also makes him feel angry.
So being ashamed means not feeling comfortable in your own skin, not recognizing yourself and moving forward on the path of non-assertiveness. That feeling of being the captain at the helm of your own life begins to fade and all personal power fades away.
The person who feels this emotion gives others the power to evaluate it. She is only able to see herself through the eyes of others. She thinks about what to say about her, feels anxious every time she perceives that she is not acting correctly and lives in a kind of “disconnection” from herself. Ultimately, she is in pain.
Put your fears aside to gain visibility
Even if this emotion is considered one of the most complex there is, it is possible to work on it to decrease its importance and make it gradually disappear. But how to overcome shame? What can we do to become more visible, to value ourselves?
Recognition and self-knowledge
The first step is to recognize and accept that we feel shame. We have to admit that this emotion is part of our emotional universe. Once we have identified it, the ideal will be to think about its consequences, the weight it has on our life and how it limits us. What is it preventing us from achieving?
If we do this with sincerity, we will find that we have become invisible to ourselves. We evaluate ourselves and ourselves according to a scale established by others. The point is, there is no correct or adequate scale: we set it ourselves, just like the path we want to go.
The next step is to know ourselves, to connect with our being, and to show ourselves as we are. It’s about starting to become visible again. It won’t be easy, especially if we’ve been hiding behind a character for a long time who behaved according to what others wanted. The good news is, it’s never too late to give ourselves another chance. We can always be our best friend again!
Locating the situation from which it all started can also help. This will provide us with information on the times that make us suffer the most. Moreover, this starting point will be essential to understand the depth of our injury. This wound is none other than the betrayal of our essence and the impression of having disappointed others.
Exercises to let go of shame
There is a very effective exercise in gaining greater visibility. It is about standing in front of a mirror and observing yourself without taking into account the opinions of others about us. What do we see? How are we? What are our qualities? What does the person we see need? The idea is to free ourselves from expectations, from these mental traps that prevent us from being ourselves, and from gaining security. Comparing ourselves to others is pointless. We are neither better nor worse than other people. The solution is to recognize and validate yourself.
In some cases, we may have feelings of rage at the person who blamed us for not doing it right. To release this anger, we can write or just think about what we would say to that person. We can then connect to this weight and then release it.
As we see, being ashamed means a lot more than feeling bad at some point. This emotion pushes us to be slaves to the expectations of others, to despise ourselves and, ultimately, to be invisible. We must therefore learn to connect with ourselves in order to know and value ourselves. It is absolutely fundamental to gain security. We must keep one thing in mind: it is not a question of being perfect but of being of integrity in order to savor our well-being.
Our thoughts In the following article, we will present you 7 steps that will allow you to learn to love yourself so that you can offer love to others …
